Here, will.i.am uses lasers to rave in a Lexus

My name is will.i.am. This is the story of my harrowing escape from Lexus Island.

I had just finished making the dope Puls smartwatch and I was looking for my next challenge. So I told Lexus I want to make a laser wall thing that lights up some more lasers, spotlights, fog, and whatnot when you walk through it.

They agreed, but only on the condition that I would mind meld with one of their new SUVs. I thought that was an ill request and something I had never heard from a tech company before. Obviously I was down.

But as the night wore on I grew concerned that Lexus was trying to steal my creative vibe for its own nefarious purposes. I had to get out. My crew and I piled into our exciting, all-new Lexus NX and hit the gas, but the beats just weren’t funky enough. Let me be clear: I’m not going anywhere without funky beats.

We’d failed. My crew and I were dejected. It seemed like my only option was to become Lexus’ chief creative officer or director of innovation.

Then I had a brilliant idea — the kind of idea only someone like myself, will.i.am, could have. What if we drove... backwards? Would that have a positive impact on the funkiness of the beats?

“Let’s get it started,” I said, which is what I usually say when I’m about to do something.

Success! I’d escaped, leaving a trail of Elephunk B-sides in my wake. I’d lived to make another smartwatch, another Peas album, another pair of ill.i.optics sunglasses.

Another victory for beat dropping, another crushing defeat for my enemies.